wow my brother was telling me this joke and he said
"if you’re fighting with a woman and she pulls a knife on you, just pull out the bread and cheese and meat and her womanly instincts will kick in and she’ll just make you a sandwich"
then all of a sudden our mom emerges from the kitchen holding a huge ass knife and she approaches my brother asking “sorry what was that?” and he started screaming
100000000 points to mom.
One time during my freshmen year of college I forgot to do a history paper that was worth 20% of my grade and the teacher didn’t accept late work, so I waited until the professor handed back the papers and angrily asked where mine was. The teacher felt so bad for losing it he let me re-do the entire paper and gave me an A-
You fucking champ
ok but imagine harry giving teddy his invisibility cloak right before he leaves for hogwarts and telling him all about the mischief their dad’s used to get up to with it. teddy asking why he didn’t save it for james or albus or lily and harry just saying “well you’re the oldest it’s only fair” and for a second teddy forgets that he’s “just a godson” and really feels like a part of the weasley-potter family.
"if you don’t consider breasts sexual organs then why do you care if i grab them"
well EXCUSE ME BUT IF I JUST STRUTTED UP AND GRABBED YOUR EAR AND FELT IT UP LIKE MMMM YEAH BABY I BET YOU HEAR REAAAL GOOD WOULD YOU NOT BE UNCOMFORTABLE
glad to see y’all spreading the word